How Judging Kills Relationships - And a whole lot more... Why relationships fade out after 3 months

When you judge anything you by definition have to compare what you see to what your template of what "should" be normal for this person place or thing.

For example, chasing Mrs. right is like saying you know what she looks like, sounds like, how she treats you and so on. Your judging Mrs. right when the reality is if you knew what Mrs. right really was like you'd of already met her and would be happy right?

Before your ego steps in and says "I know what I want in a perfect woman" then stop and think about all the women (or men if your a woman) in the past that fit your "template" judgment of the perfect women were like and how they turned out to NOT be perfect.

I bet they were perfect but you spent so much time letting your ego think it knew everything that you tainted her by not allowing her to be herself for you, you wanted so bad for her to fit into your preconceived notion of what you wanted her to be that you single handedly built her up then when reality kicked in 3 months later you blamed her for not being what "you" wanted right?

What if you had just enjoyed her as herself, no preconceived notions of what she was about, what you wanted, how she 'should' act or be etc...

what if you realized that your so called perfect woman didn't exist other than in your imagination and, what if.. she was actually better than you could have imagined but because you started to build her up in the wrong direction your own disappointment (realize she never changed one iota!) caused you to "react" to what you thought she was "not" doing and thus you became a bit of a jerk.

Your ambition to 'romance' her died off and the flame burned out by your own actions.. you became a bit of a kill joy, a jerk, or just boring, and she stopped giving you her best because she felt your lack of enthusiasm towards her...

Realize that you get what you give. Meditate to that a moment and realize that her becoming "boring" or not as "exciting" was most likely YOU not her. She was probably honest with you, being herself, in fact liking that you supposedly let her be herself and was excited by you, but when your imaginary girl and your real date didn't quite sync up, you pushed her away and she felt this, felt judged, and pulled away.. What could have been is lost and neither side is claiming the blame. This usually happens on both sides actually.

The thing is if you would have taken the time to get to know her, without judging her, her actions, her words, anything until you spent adequate time talking to her, you would have realized probably all of those idiosyncrasies that you found out the day three months later when you stopped judging what you wanted her to be like and saw what she was like.

This is why people in the old days stayed together longer, were passionate about each other more.. they didn't rush into things because this puts your desires on the front burner, then you "judge" that first night against every other night and nothing will ever be as intense and "fresh" as that first night- Nothing!

You left yourself nowhere to go! It's like taking a girl out to an expensive restaurant and she knows nothing about you, then you drive her home in your rented lotus, to a rented expensive hotel. Sure she will have a blast but the thing is she will expect the relationship to get better. Its not about being a gold digger its about human nature to always improve ones situation.

You always start out humbled, and get to know one another, learn who they are, don't try to figure it out, just absorb them, talk, relax and pay attention... each day will naturally get better automatically and you will have much room to move up in. Trying to impress her is also a form of judgment on your self and her.

One reason the relationships often become "real" after three months is because after three months the drugs your brain saturated you with (dopamine, and others) making you feel all warm and fuzzy, which also gave you tolerance and you didn't see things outside what you "wanted" to see, start to wear off and you no longer are in the mood to compare her to your judgment/template of what you wanted her to be and thus you start to see who she really is.

The thing here is that you may have a good thing going but because for three months you thought of her in this "fantasy" of what you wanted her to be, your judgment forced you into thinking of her this way and you spent all your time making excuses for why she "wasn't" what you thought she was.. Fooling yourself like this gets exhausting after three months as well then reality sets in when you take a mental and chemical break from "love".

Now you get it in your head that she was something she wasn't and that she was no longer "that person you met" when in fact she was all the time, and it was YOU that made her out to be what she wasn't. You were the one justifying everything she did, fooling yourself trying to change her to your template etc.. Then the disappointment of her not being this person made you feel bad, and not want to do this anymore.

What you end up doing is making a perfectly good woman look like a bad catch. If you'd just gotten to know her HONESTLY without judgment, without putting Mrs. Right into a box and trying to push her mentally or manipulatively into this box (of course she didn't fit in the end did she?) then you would have known all along who she was and what she was about and maybe, just maybe you'd of enjoyed what she was, who she was, how she was, and valued her uniqueness as a person.

The catch 22 here is even if she was Mrs. Right you turned her into Mrs. wrong and Mrs. right now. You have essentially due to judgment vs. open mindedness (talking or thinking of what you were going to say instead of listening is a metaphor for what you did essentially by judging not "listening") turned Mrs. Right into someone who you aren't even remotely interested in after 3 months!

Does that just blow your mind? I have to admit that was me for a lot of years.. I've probably lost a lot of perfect relationships due to breaking this very simple but elusive rule. DONT JUDGE OR A GENERATE RIDGID OUTCOMES.

It's judgment that stagnates your opportunity potential. When you don't judge and just accept what comes defining it ONLY AFTER you've given it sufficient time to stimulate you FIRST then your allowing anything to be possible.

In the example above defining Mrs. right will stop you from meeting the real Mrs. right because she's out there and probably nothing like you thought, probably better!

The thing is when your "lQQking" your field of focus narrows and you only see what you think you want, your perefrial vision is blind and all those perfect Mrs. Rights (theirs more than one Mrs. Right, don't let the media bs you) are in your blind spots! With an open mind and not looking their is NO blindspot.

When you go "Looking" for her you are comparing people (judgment) to your preconceived idea of what she would be like, ignoring anything that doesn't fit in with the template, or worse discounting anything that doesn't as repulsive or a waste of your time.

You end up reversing polarities turning a perfect catch for you into second best! How rediculous is that? If your doing this you deserve to be lonely and alone.

When you don't seek out things with judgment (this is not to say don't seek out just be very open minded and try not to define too rigidly or rigidly at all!) you should follow the rules of a good listener.

What I'm getting at here is the same laws/rules apply to being a good listener in a conversation as the laws of being open minded and non judgmental, (read that again) not making outcomes, or searching for anything specific.

You can search just keep the mind open to any potential changes so your not being rigid and closed minded when the opportunities present themselves.

Allow me to break this down (how listening skills also work in open minded skills)

Listening is paying attention to what the other is saying, absorbing the story or information without judgment, without thinking of what your going to say next or judging what she means by what she's saying, just pure absorption of it undaunted. If you're listening to her and catch yourself trying to make sense of it then you're starting down the path of defining her.

The thing is if something she says doesn't make sense you wait for her to stop talking (two second rule) then you asks her to clarify it. Don't simply assume you know what it means or allow yourself to try to figure it out because let me tell you you will probably be WRONG.

True communication is not afraid to ask questions or to clarify something. She won't think your dense she will thing your making a true effort to understand her and what she's saying, its truly flattering nothing else guys!

Then when you get ALL of the information, meaning you've heard EVERYTHING and actually have enough evidence to actually form a judgment from all the evidence, then and only then should you even begin to define anything.

Judgment in my mind is when you define something without all the information, or when you try to define something purposely based on past observations or prejudice. When you have all the information you're no longer judging your correlating based on facts. Do you understand the difference here? (if not ask lol)

A real life judge does this very thing if you think about it! He cannot legally judge anything on his own personal views or prejudices, he has to stick to the law, the evidence, and the arguments and he weighs them very systematically without emotion (which is why the law is there to give him/her a precedence).

To be a judge in life you have to do it right or you cause damages. I think I explained it all above so I won't repeat myself here.

When you do come to any conclusions make sure they stay liquid, never allow yourself to rigidly believe in any outcome, allow room for potential new information that could change the meaning so you always learn, grow and see what's in front of you. This will help you to really get a grasp of how to live proactively while maintaining all your potential power!

The thing alot of people do that totally messes them up is they come to a conclusion sometimes with all the information granted, but then because they went through so much (invested time listening, learning, growth etc..) to arrive at this "understanding" they become rigid about it and don't listen to new information and won't allow themselves to "rock the boat" by allowing anything to change that understanding's meaning.

They will fight against it, determined to be right and their mind closes right up. What they may have learned and potential they may have received, opportunities it would have brought in awareness alone- all gone.. Rigidity just locks you into a very crappy spot where you stagnate.

In this world we are constantly learning new things, growing in our own spiritual and mental awareness and things we believed a hundred years ago as fact are now rewritten as arriving to those conclusions out of ignorance of awareness.

Want an example? The whole dam world thought the sun revolved around the earth, people were willing to die to protect that "fact" but it simply wasn't true. The sad truth is people did die defending what they believed was fact and it wasn't fact at all.

If people stuck rigidly to their understandings they'd JUDGE the world by rediculous beliefs like the sun revolving around the earth and that would change everything. Staying open to new information especially that that actually could change everything is what evolution is all about.

So in conclusion:

• Judgment bad - Open mindedness/Listening Good
• Looking for love Bad - Seeding, going out where love could effectively find you, staying open minded enough to actually see it when it's there Good
• Being rigid VERY BAD - Open to change, new information, in fact challenging everything you know as often as possible GOOD
• Leaving a comment on this hub VERY GOOD
• Participating in my Writing for Charity program (its free)below VERY GOOD!!! (Please?)

Check out the hub here: Writing for Charity

I'm looking for 20 writers who want to write 10- 100 word blogs each for charity. For every blog you write (using my keywords) I will donate a dollar to a family I'm trying to help get by. The deal is I write blogs for a living and I'm donating 200 blogs to charity meaning I get writers to contribute their creativity and about 20 minutes of their time and I convert this into money for the family.

Simple as that. When I submit the 200 blogs my boss will pay me 1.00 per blog and all of it will (for those 200 blogs) will go to the family in the writing for charity hub (I explain everything there in the link above this paragraph)... I will write a follow up hub about who helped (giving your hub a link back as well as good PR as an angel of mercy) and how much was generated and how it helped them.

I will present the money to the family in one dollar bills (to symbolize how many people wrote blogs and how many blogs were done) and a certificate of "hope" along with every participants name and contribution (how many blogs they wrote) amount. Help me out will ya?